Everything You Wanted To Know About Cybersex, But Were Afraid To Ask
Cybersex. Netsex. Sex0r. The perennial joke of IRC, the thing which nobody admits to but everyone except the eZine team do. What would a DALnet ezine be without a brief glimpse into the hot, sweaty world of Internet sex? Well, we drew short straws on the eZine and, because i'm the oldest and once saw a man in swimming trunks, it has become my task to educate the masses about the dark underbelly of IRC life.
So, let's move on to the first lesson...
The Essential Cybersex Toolkit
Now, if you're serious about investigating this area of IRC life, you will need to have the right tools at your disposal:
- A computer with plastic keyboard cover
- A damp cloth
- Someone of the gender of your choice or
- Someone who is good at acting
- Some handy quick keys:
- /F1 /say Oooooo
- /F2 /say Aaaaaaahhhhh
- /F3 /say What's THAT????????
- /F4 /say Oh God YES!
- /F5 /say Crap - Mom's coming!
- /F6 /clear
- A photo of someone 100x better looking than yourself
- An anatomical diagram complete with latin descriptions
- A Latin -› Slang phrasebook
- An empty house
Choosing Your Venue
Right, so now you're armed with all the essentials for a good sex0r session and need to find some worthy victims...err partners. Where's a good place to start? Obviously #ChristianChat may not take kindly to HornyBoy21 stomping in and asking "any hot chicks for cyber?" - so choose your target audience carefully:
#TeensChat
Pluses: Rampaging hormones Minuses: More likely to ask if you play Counter Strike mid-sex0r
#PacketMonkeys
Pluses: Rampaging hormones Minuses: Will drop your server if you're not doing it right
#IRCops-hangout
Pluses: You may get an O:line Minuses: Incredably bad netsex
#Ohio-Ladies-Quilt-Making
Pluses: None Minuses: You'll be told that they'll report you to AOL and get your Internet banned.
Watch The Experts At Work
By this point in our guide you're probably thinking that you know all there is to know,
and now you're chomping at the bit to get out there and get cybersexing. Shame on you!
You should know by now that no lesson is complete without an example by the experts in the field.
Luckily, I've managed to persuade a master in the art of cybersex to share a typical log of
an online tryst. Pay close attention...
<Horny4u> Hey babe, fancy a chat?
<nubile-f> Certainly
* nubile-f flicks her hair back and fixes Horny4u with a
seductive smile
<Horny4u> nice smile. so what u wearing babe?
<nubile-f> I'm wearing a long, black silk figure-hugging dress - it's low cut. My hair
is blonde and loose on my shoulders, and I have black velvet stiletto shoes on my feet. How
about you?
<Horny4u> Well most of my stuff is in the laundry but I managed to find a t-shirt I jogged
in last week under the bed, and my jeans only have a bit of hot-dog relish on - nothing too bad.
* nubile-f slinks up to Horny4u and runs one long, scarlet nail down his chest -
desire smoldering in her eyes.
<Horny4u> So you're up for cyber then nubile-f?
* nubile-f answers that question by leaning forward and kissing Horny4u sensuously,
slowly exploring his mouth with her eager tongue
* Horny4u pushes nubile-f away and goes off to clean the left-over pizza he
had for breakfast out of his teeth
<Horny4u> ok..back babe!
<nubile-f> i'm very turned on...my veins pulsing with longing...
* nubile-f slides her hands up Horny4u's chest, lifting his t-shirt over his head
and marvelling at the silken skin covering his rippling muscles
<Horny4u> i'm looking great since I got down to 310lbs
* Horny4u pushes the straps of nubile-f's dress off her shoulders and pulls her dress
down as far as her hips...where it stops
<Horny4u> hang on, it's stuck
* Horny4u tugs at her dress until he hears a ripping sound
<nubile-f> You have to unzip the back to take it off...don't worry about the tear,
it was only Versace
<Horny4u> phew, lucky it was nothing expensive then babe
* nubile-f runs her hands down Horny4u's front, encountering that part of him that is
alive and growing...her exposed bosum rising and falling so quickly that it is barely contained within
the confines of the red, lace push-up bra she is wearing
<Horny4u> push-up bra? ooooo, small tits then
* Horny4u reaches behind nubile-f and fumbles with her bra strap,
pulling and tugging at it
<nubile-f> Here, let me help
* nubile-f unclips her bra and lets it fall to the ground, revealing perfect breasts,
nipples pert with excitement
* Horny4u picks up the bra and looks at it
<Horny4u> mind if I keep this to show my buddies later?
* nubile-f unzips Horny4u's jeans and slides her hand in, rubbing him gently
<Horny4u> I need to pee now, brb
* Horny4u returns wiping his hands on his jeans
<Horny4u> so ready to get it on baby?
<nubile-f> yes...take me now..please take me
* Horny4u gets excited and pulls off nubile-f's panties
<Horny4u> whoa baby! you really need to shave a bit you know? I'm going to need
a safari suit to go in there
* nubile-f leans her burnished body back on the bed, spreading her long legs a little
...invitingly
* Horny4u pokes around a bit between nubile-f's legs with one finger
* nubile-f arches her back and sighs in ecstasy
<Horny4u> ewwwww what's that?
<nubile-f> what?
<Horny4u> that little thing sorta sticking out
* nubile-f looks at Horny4u a little incredulously before pulling him down on top of her
* Horny4u leans in to kiss nubile-f and sneezes
<nubile-f> urrrghhh
<Horny4u> oops, sorry - let me just wipe that off your face
<nubile-f> look, don't worry about it - let's just get on with it
* nubile-f starts to pull down Horny4u's jeans, her mind on one thing only
* Horny4u finds he can't get erect
<nubile-f> what??????
<Horny4u> I don't know, could have been those 2 6-packs I drank before I got here
* nubile-f pushes Horny4u off her and gets up, starting to put her ruined clothes back on
<Horny4u> oooo baby wait, i'll be ok if I just think about some hot chick for awhile!
<nubile-f> get out
* Horny4u pulls his clothes back on in a huff
* nubile-f taps her foot, waiting for Horny4u to leave
* Horny4u snorts
<Horny4u> I bet you don't even like men
*** Quits: Horny4u (Quit: Gone)
Copyright Emma Monks (curve@dal.net) 2002
