Nightshade: Anatomy of a Flunk
by LordKat
Every once in a blue moon a game comes out that is so fantastic, so
revolutionary, so addictive, and so beautiful that it is deemed an instant classic.
This game isn't one of them.
Nightshade, by Ultra Games, is about some dude in a trenchcoat who wants to
be a super hero. There's some wicked Egyptian pharaoh dude causing some
serious problems around the world (well, inner city, really), and it's up to you,
Nighthawk . . .err . . . NIghtcrap . . . well, it's up to you, the player, to stop him. Or
her.
The biggest drawback of this game is that the developers tried to be funny.
The ongoing joke in this game is that nobody knows who this Nightrider guy is. And it's
a terrible joke to boot. So terrible that is gets in the way of the actual game. For
example, you walk up to an old lady who has some information. "Great," you think, "I'll
be able to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do!" So you walk up to the old lady
and talk to her. "Oh! If it isn't Nighthawk! Err . . . Lampshade!" And that's all she
says. No information. Nothing.
You know what old lady? I hate you.
The controls in this game are substantially better than, say, ripping out
your own arm and trying to beat yourself to death with it. Lampshade reacts . . .
slowly. Although this is a good thing because, lord knows, I never actually wanted
to beat this game. I mean, after 23 straight hours of playing this game, and
finally making my way up to the uber-leet Egyptian god dude, I die because he didn't
want to punch, instead he wanted to pick up a damn stick on the ground.
I still hate that old lady.
Should I mention that this game was released in the early 1990's for the
NES? Possibly, but what do you care? You just want to read something funny about a game
that sucks. I guess it could be worse, you could want to tie me up in your basement and
abuse me with some chains and an artificial hip. On the other hand, you might
actually be reading this article, in which case I REALLY hope you skipped this paragraph.
Ahem, back to KittyLitter. The sounds are alright. The music is rather dark.
Well, as dark as a bunch of beeps can get. I mean, the NES made triangle and white
noises. Other than that, the music and sound effects are pretty good.
The actual gameplay is rather weak. You walk around, pick stuff up, beat the
crap out of fat guys wearing blue tights, etc . . . Nothing special. The biggest
problem with the game play is actually using items. You see, TightPants was
made with a mouse interface in mind and, surprise, surprise, surprise, the NES
doesn't have a mouse! Woohoo! I pray that you'll never know the pains of trying to
use a mouse with a directional pad. That is, if you can see the mouse cursor.
The graphics are pretty dark. No, I don't mean dark as in gothic, I mean
dark as in "what the hell? I can't see anything! Jay, turn up the brightness!" Of
course, when I talk to myself, my friends get scared and usually leave. At least, I think
that's why my girlfriend was cheating on me.
Damn old lady. She probably told my girlfriend to cheat on me.
I really hate that old lady.
Anyway, that's Dumptruck in a nutshell. If you want my opinion, stay away
from this game. It's a rare find, and might be worth something later on in life, but
honestly, if you're going to play this game, just throw yourself onto a large spike.
(Did I mention I hate that old lady?)
© LordKat 2003
